Virmire
by Pinoko K
Summary: Shepard's mission on a paradise planet has gone wrong. These chapters about Virmire are from my other fic Chronicles of a Legend. This is a standalone fic for those who want to read the climax without going through the main story.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

A/N: These three chapters on Virmire are from my other fic Chronicles of a Legend. I extracted them from the main story for those who want to read the climax without going through the entire story. Some minor details here and there might not make sense without previous chapters, but overall it's could be a standalone short fic.

Please excuse any typos or mistakes. I don't have a beta. Enjoy.

Virmire

Part 1: Trouble in Paradise

Location: Virmire

Target locked on. Three more seconds and the cannon would be charged once more. Machine gun worked, but Garrus preferred the sheer firepower of the cannon. One shot one kill. Clean and simple. That's the way he liked it.

Hidden around the corner, out of sight, Garrus waited patiently.

Two more seconds.

But Shepard had another idea. Instead of waiting, she accelerated the mako and ran over the last Geth that dared to stand in her way. The vehicle bumped violently as the synthetic creature and its rocket launcher crushed under the massive wheels.

"...Well, that works too," Garrus mumbled as he powered down the cannon.

"That's the last one, Commander," Kaidan confirmed upon checking the sensor.

Joker's voice came through. "Commander. Normandy's touched down at the base, but it looks like we're grounded."

_Oh crap_, Garrus thought as he peeked at the commander whose frown only tightened at the news.

"Grounded?" Shepard asked. "What the hell is going on?"

"The salarian captain can explain when you get there," said Joker. "Joker out."

First they had to fight through an army of Geth to disable those AA guns before the Normandy could touch down. And now her ship was grounded by the salarians? Shepard had to be murderous by now, Garrus was willing to bet his entire rifle collection on that.

Another peek at the commander's face confirmed his suspicion. If looks could kill, Shepard could annihilate every enemy on this planet with her death glare.

"They dare to ground your ship? Give them hell, Shepard," Wrex suggested, quite predictably so, in Garrus' humble opinion.

"The commander has enough to deal with already, try not to add a diplomatic incident to her list," said Kaidan, the forever voice of reason in their little ragtag group. "Let's talk to the salarians and see what they want."

"I never trust those STG guys," said Wrex. "Bunch of sneaky bastards."

"They're experts in espionage," Garrus corrected him. "We could use one of them on our team."

"Let's see how much you like them after the salarians neuter you, Vakarian." Wrex sneered.

Even though he had been called impatient and hot-headed by his own father, Garrus was always smart enough to know when to shut the hell up. There were some issues he'd better not touch. Genophage was one of them.

The salarian camp was in sight, ahead of them along the sandy beach. Garrus was more than certain Shepard could see it as well as he did, but instead of slowing down the mako, she accelerated with the intention of crushing onto the camp out of frustration, or so it seemed to Garrus.

"Er... Shepard," Garrus warned quietly.

Shepard didn't respond. The mako rushed towards the camp for yet another second more before it slowed to a stop. Garrus let out a silent sigh of relief.

The commander finally looked at him with her eyebrow arched questioningly. Her glare was gone when her eyes landed on him

"...Nothing." Garrus motioned the exit. "After you."

Still without a word, the commander exited the vehicle. Garrus jumped out after her and landed on a soft sandy ground, white foamy wave hit his ankles. This planet was gorgeous; with clear blue sky and ocean front. The weather was warm but comfortably breezy, perfect to dip into the crystal clear water along the sandy beach, at least for humans. But Garrus knew even the paradise couldn't cheer Shepard up, her mood was shades darker than the bright blue sky.

"Welcome to Virmire," said Garrus as he glanced around. "Tropical paradise with a healthy population of Geth, and massive defense towers with AA guns as popular tourists destinations."

Shepard gave him a sideways look. To his surprise, there was even a hint of smirk on her face. "Try not to drown, Garrus."

There she was, the murderous commander was gone, the Shepard he had come to respect was back temporarily. Garrus was glad he could lighten her mood if only for a few second. "I'll try not to," he said then pointed at the beach front. "I'll be lounging on the sandy beach, sipping my drinks while sniping some Geth."

The commander seemed to be pleased with the plan. She nodded with her approval. "Keep an eye out while I talk to the salarians." Shepard gave him a soft punch on his shoulder before she marched towards the main camp.

Garrus had to smile at that. He idly wondered if that was a human way of showing camaraderie. But in the end, it didn't matter if it was a human way or not, Garrus knew it was Shepard's little way of showing her appreciation. Perhaps next time, he would give her a gentle punch back.

When Kaidan walked past him, the two men exchanged a look. Garrus shot a quick glance towards Shepard, and Kaidan responded with a subtle nod. It was all they needed to get a message across: Kaidan would stay with Shepard while Garrus secured the perimeter.

Garrus took a deep breath and enjoyed the fresh air as the lieutenant followed the commander towards the camp. He looked up to the clear blue sky. It was a beautiful day here on Virmire. But something didn't feel right; his instinct told him something much darker was hidden beneath this perfect world. Whatever it was, Garrus just wanted to find Saren and put a bullet between his eyes and get the hell out of this paradise as soon as possible.

But things would never be that easy, would they?

* * *

Location: Virmire Salarian Camp

Kaidan got the silent message from Garrus, and he agreed with his friend's assessment on the commander. Shepard was under tremendous stress, and grounding Normandy would only further sour the commander's mood. While he trusted Shepard not to make any rash decisions, he knew she could use his support, now more than ever.

"Commander?" Kaidan called out.

Shepard paused to wait for him.

He noticed her face was stone cold when he reached her. Taking a risk, he changed his tone and called out again, softly this time, "Hey..."

And it paid off. Her expression softened a few notches almost immediately. "They grounded _my_ ship."

It felt inappropriate to think she was beautiful even when she was pissed as hell, but to him, she was. "They don't have the authority to ground the Council Spectre's vessel. There must be a good reason," Kaidan reasoned calmly. "We'll sort this out."

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath. Then, in the blink of an eye, her commander face was once again back on. "Let's see what they want from us."

Kaidan followed the commander to the biggest tent in the camp.

"Are you in charged here?" Shepard asked a salarian who had just finished issued a few orders to the rest of the soldiers.

The salarian nodded. "I'm Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment STG."

"Commander Shepard, Alliance navy, Council Spectre. What's the situation?"

"You and your crew have just landed in the middle of a hotzone," the captain informed her. "Every AA gun within ten miles has been alerted to your presence."

"We disabled three on our way here," said Kaidan.

"There are more," said Captain Kirrahe.

"That's why you grounded the Normandy?" Shepard frowned. "What are we supposed to do in the meantime?"

"We stay put until the Council sends the reinforcements we requested."

"We _are_ the reinforcements," Kaidan told the captain.

"What? You're all they sent?" The captain shook his head in disbelief. "I told the Council to send a fleet."

"We couldn't understand your transmission," Shepard explained. "They sent me to investigate."

"That is a repetition of our task," said Kirrahe. "I lost half my men investigating this place."

"So what have you found?" asked Kaidan.

"Saren's base of operations. He's set up a research facility here, but it's crawling with Geth and very well fortified."

"What's Saren researching?" asked Shepard.

"He's using the facility to breed an army of krogan."

Shepard's eye widened in alarm. "What? How's that possible?"

"What about the genophage?" Kaidan asked, from the corner of his eye, he spotted Wrex approaching.

"Apparently, Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage."

"Oh god..." Kaidan mumbled under his breath. Wrex was well within hearing range, Kaidan noticed, this could get ugly.

Shepard scowled. "The Geth are bad enough. But a krogan army... Saren'd be almost unstoppable."

The captain nodded. "Exactly my thoughts. We must ensure that this facility and its secrets are destroyed."

"Destroyed? I don't think so," Wrex interjected. "Our people are dying. This cure can save them!"

"If that cure leaves this planet, the krogan will become unstoppable," the captain explained. "We can't make the same mistake again."

Kaidan winced inwardly at those last few words. It was definitely getting ugly. Fast.

Wrex stepped up to the captain and jabbed a finger at his chest. "We are not a mistake!" he claimed before storming off.

"Is he going to be a problem?" asked Kirrahe. "We already have enough angry krogans to deal with."

"Don't worry about it, Captain. He'll be fine. I'll talk him," said the commander. Her tone was as confident as always, but Kaidan suspected it was just a front.

"I appreciate that, Commander. My men and I need to rethink our plan of attack. Can you give us some time?"

"I understand. Go ahead, Captain. I'll deal with Wrex."

Kaidan glanced at Wrex, then back to the commander. Going after an angry krogan would be as safe as disarming a bomb in the dark. One wrong move, and...

"Commander, a word?" Kaidan requested.

Shepard nodded and motioned him to walk with her and slowly approached Wrex's direction.

"I can disable Wrex with my biotics in case anything happens. Just give me a signal."

Glancing over at Wrex's defensive stance, Shepard assessed the situation for a second then nodded again. "Don't do anything until I tell you to. I want to reason with him, not fight him."

"Understood." He paused for a moment, studying her profile. Pink lips pressed, blue eyes narrowed as they locked onto Wrex as though she was scanning for a weakness and strategizing on how to take down her target. He wanted to reach out to her. Not the soldier, not the leader, but the person hidden underneath. Taking yet another risk, he called out softly once again, "Aerin?"

That got her full attention. Shepard turned away from Wrex and looked at him questioningly, her gaze had softened considerably when she met his eyes.

As much as he wanted to touch her, or perhaps just taking one step closer, he wouldn't allow himself to. Not here, not now. "Please be careful."

The corners of her lips curled up ever-so slightly in a faint smile that never reached her eyes. It was her way to reassure him everything would be fine, Kaidan knew. However futile the gesture was, he appreciated her effort and loved her for that. "I'll be careful," Shepard promised. "But be ready... just in case."

* * *

Location: Virmire Beach Front

The cure for genophage. An answer his people had been seeking for centuries, millennium. It was here on this planet, within his grasp.

And Shepard wanted to destroy it.

Wrex took a deep breath to control his boiling anger. If Shepard hadn't been good to him, he would have shot her then and there.

Shepard was approaching, he could hear her soft footsteps. But that wasn't the only thing Wrex noticed. He also spotted two sniper rifles pointing straight at him, protecting the commander. But Wrex wasn't concerned about those; if Shepard wanted him dead, she would kill him herself. That woman had her own code of honor, almost krogan-like. And for that, he respected her. And because of that respect, he would give her a chance to hear her out.

"This isn't right, Shepard," said Wrex as soon as she was within range. "If there's a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it!"

"I understand you're upset, but we both know Saren is the enemy here," Shepard pointed out calmly. "He should be the one you're angry with."

"Really? Saren created a cure for my people. _You_ want to destroy it." Wrex turned and approached her one step at a time. "Help me out here, Shepard. The lines between friend and foe is getting a little blurry from where I stand."

An angry krogan staring down at an opponent half his size should be intimidating enough to make that person run away with their pants wet.

Shepard, however, stood her ground firmly, her gaze never faltered. "This isn't a cure, it's a weapon! And if Saren is allowed to use it, you won't be around to reap the benefit. None of us will!"

Wrex stopped right in front of her, his much larger size loomed over her smaller form. "That's a chance we should be willing to take. This is the fate of my entire people we're talking about!"

"And this is the fate of the entire galaxy we're talking about!" Shepard countered sharply, staring him down as if he was not a krogan twice her size but a varren who was misbehaving.

This woman had more balls than her entire crew combined, Wrex had to give her that. She would be a worthy opponent, he always knew.

"We all know how this will end." And suddenly, there was his shotgun pointing at her.

Shepard's well-honed reflex reacted, her own shotgun was in her hand in a flash. Wrex expected nothing less from her.

"It doesn't have to end that way, Wrex," said Shepard.

"It does," he countered, not at all bothered by her shotgun pointing at the softer muscles around his chin. Shepard sure knew where to aim. "Don't you get it? There's finally a cure for genophage, and I can_not_ let you destroy it."

"Stop being blinded by the fact there's a cure," she told him. Not once did she bother to glance at the shotgun jabbing at her chest over her heart. "Saren is using it to make more krogans for _his_ army! He doesn't care about these krogan; he's using your people as tools!"

Wrex sneered. "Many of my people died in wars that weren't even ours to start with. This is just another one. And we'll get a cure for genophage out of it. When we bring the cure back to Tuchanka-"

"There wouldn't even be a Tuchanka if Saren unleashed the Reaper on us! You know it! There wouldn't be anything left in this galaxy if he won!"

The truth hit him harder than a headbutt from an elder warrior. Wrex went silent.

"I'll stop Saren or die trying," Shepard vowed. "And I cannot let him have another edge. You know what we have, it's just us versus his army of Geth. The Citadel Council isn't going to lift a finger to help. We have no backup. I _cannot_ let him have another edge against us. How are we supposed to fight an army of Geth _and_ krogans with just the seven of us?"

"Six," he corrected her. "I am not going to make it out here alive, I know that. But if I'm going to die, I want an honorable death. Just you and me. You owe me that much, Shepard. Call them off."

"What?" The confusion in her eyes was genuine.

"You don't know?" asked Wrex curiously. "Williams and Vakarian have their sniper rifles aimed at my head. Alenko isn't armed, but he doesn't need a gun to kill, and we both know he won't let anything hurt you."

Shepard took her eyes off him for a moment and saw what he had just described.

"You didn't have to order them," said Wrex upon seeing her confusion. "They did it on their own. They'll follow you straight to hell. You're their leader, their friend. Hell, you're my friend... But this, I can't let you destroy the genophage, not even for you, Shepard. So, get on with it. At least try to make this a challenging fight worth dying for."

"No," said Shepard. To his surprise, she suddenly took a step back and lowered her gun. "There will be a fight, but it won't be between us. If either of us is going to die fighting, it's a fight with Saren." She took another step back and shook her head. "I can't die just yet, if I did, Saren would win. But I won't let you throw away your life either. I need you to help me win this! And after we win, we will find a way to get a cure for genophage."

Somehow, he believed her. When Shepard promised, she would deliver. But still... "You're not scientist, Shepard."

"I'm not. Neither is Saren, and he found the cure. We now know there's a formula out there, that the cure exists. And if it exists, it can be duplicated."

She was right, Wrex knew. However, hope was a dangerous thing. How many lives had been sacrifice in the name of researching for a cure, all done in hope that a cure might be found? But this time was different, a cure had been found. It _existed_. And if it existed, it could be duplicated...

Shepard continued, "Fight _with_ me, Wrex. Don't let that bastard use your people as slaves. Krogans deserve much better than that. They're the best infantry the galaxy has ever seen, and they should be treated with respect, not as cannon fodder for an insane turian who wants wipe out the galaxy including your people!"

There was a fire burning inside him. Not anger, but a fire filled with renewed purpose. Wren lowered his shotgun. "I've been loyal to you so far, Shepard. Hell, you did more for me than my family ever did. But if I'm going to keep following you, I need to know we're doing it for the right reason."

"You know damn well this is the right reason. Saren will use these krogans as tools to destroy us, then he'll destroy them as soon as they're no longer useful to him. Is that what you want for your people?"

Again, the truth hit him like a headbutt.

"No..." Wrex answered quietly. "We were tools for the Council once. To thank us for us wiping out the rachni, they neutered us all. I doubt Saren would be as generous."

"I can't do this without you, Wrex. I can't do this without any of you."

_Yes, you can, Shepard,_ Wrex eyed the commander. This woman knew when to threaten you and when to sweeten the pot, she would make a fine clan chief, but Wrex was not about to tell her that. "All right, Shepard, you've made your point. I don't like this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead. I'm not going to stop you from doing what needs to be done. Just one thing, when we find Saren, I want his head."

"All yours, Wrex." Shepard breathed out a sigh of relief. "All yours."

* * *

Location: Virmire Salarian Camp

"Thank you for speaking with the krogan," said Captain Kirrahe. "The assault on Saren's base will be difficult enough as it is."

_Assault? Finally,_ Shepard thought. "I assume that means you've come up with a plan."

"Of sorts." The captain nodded. "We can convert our ship's drive system into a twenty-kiloton ordnance. Crude, but effective."

Shepard glanced over to Kaidan briefly, his subtle nod confirmed it was a viable plan.

"Nice," said Ashley. "Drop that nuke from the orbit and Saren can kiss his turian ass goodbye."

"Unfortunately, the facility's too well-fortified for that," said Kirrahe. "We'll need to place the bomb at a precise location."

"Where do we take the nuke?" Shepard asked. "And how do we get there?"

"The bomb must be taken to the far side of the facility," said the captain. "Your ship can drop it off, but we'll need to infiltrate the base, disable the AA guns, and pacify any ground forces first."

"You want us to go in on foot?" asked Kaidan. "We don't have enough men."

"It does sound a bit risky," Shepard agreed. "We won't be able to meet their force head on. Is there no other way?"

"No, but I think we can work about that," said Kirrahe. "I'm going to divide my men into three teams and hit the front of the facility. While we've got their attention, you can sneak your 'shadow' team in the back."

_Suicide mission?_ Shepard considered for a second. "That's a good idea, but your people are going to get slaughtered."

"We're tougher than we look, Commander. But it's true. I don't expect many of us will make it out alive," the captain admitted. "And that makes what I'm going to ask even more difficult. I need one of your men to accompany me. To help coordinate the teams."

Her eyebrow arched high. That was a bold request, sending one of her team on a risky mission where she had absolutely no control over. Shepard didn't like it a single bit.

"He's right, Commander," said Kaidan. "We can't do this without both teams at their best."

Shepard nodded reluctantly. "All right."

Based purely on experience and combat prowess, the one who had the highest chance of survival would be Wrex, but Shepard wouldn't trust him playing nice with the salarian soldiers, much less taking orders from one.

"We'll need someone who knows Alliance communication protocols, Commander," Kaidan suggested. "I volunteer."

Shepard looked at him sharply. His face was as calm as his tone when he gave her a reassuring nod. Kaidan was, first and foremost, a professional soldier with a decade experience and a talented biotic, Shepard knew full well, yet there was an irrational fear latching onto a hidden corner of her mind. Would she knowingly send him to a high-risk mission? _Could_ she?

For the first time in her decade-long career, she finally had a firsthand experience of the repercussions of fraternization. And to think that technically they had not even broken any rules yet. Kaidan was right, who knew it would be this hard?

Still, it wasn't the time or place to contemplate. Her rational instinct kicked in. Logic took over, shoving all the unwanted emotions away, Shepard was once again back in her comfort zone with her mind focus on just one thing: Finishing the mission.

"Not so fast, L-T," said Ashley. "Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke. I'll go with the salarians."

She was inclined to agree with the chief; the lieutenant was better suited at arming the bomb.

"With all due respect, Gunnery Chief," said Kaidan, "it's not your place to decide."

Ashley folded her arms. "Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"

"That's enough," Shepard snapped, effectively stopping any further debate on their situation. She then turned to the captain. "I want to know more about the bomb. How reliable is it?"

"Its reliability depends on the person arming it," said Kirrahe. "The drive system is highly impervious to damage from external sources. Once it has been armed, very little can stop it. The key is getting it into place and armed before the Geth can stop us."

It was all Shepard needed to know to made her decision. "Alenko, I need you to arm the nuke. Williams, you'll accompany the captain," Shepard ordered, somehow words didn't come out as easy as it should have. "No heroics, understood?"

Ashley nodded. "Aye, aye, Commander."

"I'll have the ordnance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation sequencing," said Kirrahe. "I won't lie to you, Commander. There is a chance none of us will survive this assault. Even your team. But we do what is necessary."

"That we do, Captain. It's our job." Shepard nodded understandingly.

"Good luck, Commander. Now excuse me, I have to give my men one last speech."

* * *

Ashley had never thought she would be working with salarians. It almost felt surreal. But then again, before she had been assigned to the Normandy, she had never thought she would work side by side with a turian, a krogan, a quarian, and an asari. If Shepard hadn't touched down on Eden Prime that day months ago, things would have been very different.

For one, she would probably be dead.

No use thinking what might have been when there was a crazy turian running around threatening the entire galaxy. They all had their job to do, and they all would do what they did best. The commander would lead, the L-T would arm the nuke. As for herself, she would shoot at things until they dropped dead.

Still, it felt weird to leave those people she had considered her family for the past few months, even for just a bit.

"Well, this is it," Ashley said, hiding a sigh. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, L-T. You too, Commander."

The commander was quiet, she only nodded.

"We'll be fine. You'll see," said Kaidan with a poor attempt to calm everyone's nerves. But Ashley had to give him brownie points for effort.

Even though she never showed, Ashley always had a soft spot for the lieutenant. Without him vouching for her in front of Captain Anderson, she might never have transferred to the Normandy. And since then, he had helped her in more ways than she could count, especially during the first few days of the transition. She had never served on a ship before, but for Alenko, he must have served on more ships than he could count with both hands. Without him showing her the ropes and being a friendly face to her among the elite crew, Ashley doubted she could survive on the ship for more than a week.

"Yeah... I just..." _This is another opportunity to prove yourself, Williams. What the hell is wrong with you?_ Ashley shook her head and swallowed all her thoughts. "Good luck."

"What is it, Chief?" asked Shepard. Those eyes as bright and blue as the clear sky looked straight into her own, Ashley swore the commander could see through her sometimes.

She could only shrugged. "I don't know. It's just weird. Going under someone else's command. I've got used to working with you... all of you."

"It's only temporary," said Shepard. "I'm not going to sign off on your permanent transfer to the STG."

Ashley had to smirk a little at that.

"Don't worry," Kaidan said with soothing tone. "We'll see you on the other side."

"I know. I, ah..." _Stop it, Williams! You'll be back with them by the end of the day, and you all will go get drunk at the Citadel again! _Still, there were things that should be said whenever there was a chance, her father had taught her that much. "It's been an honor serving with you, Commander."

"The honor is mine, Chief." Shepard gave her a faint smile. Ashley had always thought the commander looked pretty when she smiled, it's a shame Shepard didn't smile often. "When this is over, I'll talk to Captain Anderson about your records and see if he could do anything to give you the recognition you deserve."

Ashley's eyes lit up. She almost couldn't believe what she had just heard. After being in the fleet for yeras, finally someone stood up for her. "Commander, that's not necess-"

"That's overdue," Shepard cut her off firmly. Her tone left no room for negotiation

"Don't argue with her, Ash," Kaidan said with that warm smile of his. "Our commander can be... very persuasive."

"Yeah, I bet you know that all too well, Alenko." Ashley flashed a grin at the lieutenant, teasing him one last time before the start of their mission.

It had almost become a habit of hers to tease the lieutenant now and then. Kaidan was an easy target to squeeze some fun, especially when the topic was about Shepard. But lately, she had noticed a change in Kaidan, he had become harder to fluster especially after the Citadel shore leave. Perhaps the shy little Alenko had finally gathered enough courage to confess to the Goddess of his dreams. If so, good for him, Ashley thought with a strange sense of pride. Even though that man was older than her, sometimes Ashley couldn't help but feel like protecting him as her little brother. It was probably the side effect of being the big sis to three younger siblings.

Old habits die hard.

And now, this big sis would go distract those synthetic jerks to buy them enough time to sneak in and set the nuke. It's risky, she knew, but she would do anything to protect her family. Blood-related or not.

"Whatever happens, everyone just keep shooting," said Shepard, her expression steeled with determination. "We go in hard, hit them harder, and we'll be the only damn thing that comes out the other side."

"You bet, Skipper." Ashley nodded. "See you on the other side."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

Virmire

Part 2: Shepard's Choice

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

Shepard stormed through the door into an office with her rifle in her hands, fully expecting another wave of resistance like many she had fought throughout the facility. Geth or krogans, it didn't matter to her. Whatever stood in her way, died.

But what greeted her was not the mechanical click of a Geth or the battle cry of a krogan, but a high-pitched scream of a woman. Shepard held up a hand to halt her team.

"Ah! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" An asari crawled out from underneath a desk. "Please, I just want to get out of here before it's too late."

_A civilian?_ "Who are you?" Shepard demanded.

"Rana Thanoplis. I'm a neurospecialist. And this job isn't worthy dying over. Or worse," said the asari, obviously shaken by the ordeal. "You think the indoctrination only affects prisoners? Sooner or later, Saren will want to dissect my brain, too!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Shepard, lowering her gun. "I thought this was a breeding facility."

The scientist shook her head. "Not this level. We're studying Sovereign's effect on organic minds. At least, that's what I assumed. Saren kept us in the dark as much as possible."

"You helped him and you didn't know why?" asked Garrus incredulously.

"I didn't have the option of negotiating!" Thanoplis said defensively. "This position is a little more... permanent that I'd expected. But I can help you! This elevator behind me goes to Saren's private lab. I can get you in." She went to unlock the elevator. "See? Full access. All of Saren's private files. Are we good? Can I go?"

"I'm going to blow this place to hell and gone," Shepard told her in a voice as cool as it was deadly. "If you want to make it out alive, you'd better start running."

The scientist's eyes widened in pure horror. "What?! You can't... but I'll never... ahh!"

With a hidden smirk, Shepard watched as the asari scrambled and ran out of the facility.

"You enjoyed that, Commander," Garrus observed, giving her a sideways glance.

"Oh yeah, she did," Kaidan agreed. There was more than a hint of amusement in his otherwise calm tone.

"What? I played nice and let her go, didn't I?" She arched an eyebrow at them.

Those two men knew her better than anyone else, Shepard didn't bother to deny any accusation. Instead, she took the time to look around and analyze the situation. Whatever Saren was working on should be in his private lab, but the terminal on Thanoplis' desk shouldn't be overlooked either.

"Wrex, guard the exit. Tali, hack the terminal and see if you can get access to any other systems in the base, then help Wrex with the Geth. Liara, download any useful data from terminal once Tali is done." Shepard turned to Kaidan and Garrus. "You two smart-asses, with me. Let's see what Saren is hiding."

* * *

Location: Virmire Saren's Private Lab

"What's that over there?" asked Garrus.

"Be careful. It's another beacon," said Kaidan. "Like the one on Eden Prime."

"Stay here. Don't go near it," Shepard ordered. "I'll check it out."

Shepard approached the communication panel cautiously. Upon activating it, the beacon came to life glowing in an eerie green light. Just like the beacon on Eden Prime, a force emitted from the metallic rod lifted Shepard off her feet, assaulting her mind with flashes of images, visions different from those that had been haunting her for months.

Shepard screamed in pain.

And as fast as the assault had begun, it ended just as abruptly. Shepard was dropped onto the floor, down on her knees, panting hard.

"Aerin!" Both men rushed to her.

"Oh, crap..." Garrus mumbled. "You all right?"

Shaken up from another forced download of those Prothean visions, Shepard could only nod slightly.

"No, you're not," said Kaidan, reaching out to support her. "She was unconscious for eighteen hours after contacting the beacon on Eden Prime."

"Well, she's conscious," Garrus reasoned, "but she's not arguing back, so that's not a good sign."

Shepard took a few controlled breaths to collect herself. "I'll be fine..." She waved off their concern and tried to get back to her feet.

"Hey, easy." Kaidan helped her up. "Don't make me carry you like I did last time."

"Not a chance, Alenko." Ignoring the dizziness, Shepard stepped away from the comfort of Kaidan's arms and approached the console once more.

The console switched on by itself as she stepped close. A holographic image of a bug-like creature glowing in bright red came online. That creature looked awfully familiar...

"You are not Saren," said the holographic image. Its insect-like legs moved with its words.

"What is that?" asked Garrus. "Some kind of VI interface?"

"It looks like that ship we saw on Eden Prime," Kaidan pointed out.

Shepard agreed.

"Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh," said the image. "You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding."

"What the hell?" Shepard scowled at the insults.

"I don't think it's a VI..." said Garrus.

"There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!"

"It _is_ that ship!" said Kaidan.

All the pieces of puzzle clicked inside Shepard's head all at once. For the first time in months, her visions began to make sense. "Sovereign isn't just some ship Saren found. It's an actual Reaper!"

"Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they choose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are."

"The Protheans vanished fifty-thousand years ago. You couldn't have been there," said Garrus. "It's impossible!"

"Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident," claimed Sovereign. "Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

_Trash talk? Really? _Shepard sneered at its attempt. "There is an entire galaxy of races united and ready to face you. Whatever your plan is, it's going to fail," said Shepard firmly. "I'll make sure of that!"

"Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken."

"Cycle?" asked Garrus. "What cycle?"

"The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilization rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished," said Sovereign. "The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind."

Instinctively, she knew exactly that was not a lie. Yet logically, that did not make any sense to her. "Why would you construct the mass relays, then leave them for someone else to find?" Shepard asked.

"Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays, our technology. By using it, your society develops along the paths we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it."

Shepard almost snorted at that ridiculous claim. But somehow that line sounded strangely familiar. Perhaps she had heard of it? No... She knew it as if it was embedded inside her head. Inside her head... It wasn't from her own experience, it was the ancestral memories of the Protheans. She knew it from her nightmare, from her visions.

"They're harvesting us!" said Kaidan, gasping. For once his usual calm composure left him. "Letting us advance to the level they need, then wiping us out!"

Shepard scowled at the creature. "What the hell do you want from us?" she demanded sharply. "Slaves? Resources?"

"My kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation. Independent, free of all weakness."

"Nothing is perfect, not even a machine," Shepard countered.

"You cannot even grasp the nature of our existence. We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our number will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom."

Its sheer arrogance was making her furious. "I don't need to know the nature of your existence to destroy you!"

"We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has eradicated and forgotten, we will endure."

"You think that would scare me? Think again! Your logic is flawed. Everything has a beginning. You're just a machine, someone has to build you. All machines can be broken," said Shepard with conviction. "Like everything else, you have weaknesses. I will find them, and I will exploit them!"

"Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over."

The hologram terminated, and a sudden huge explosion outside shook the entire room, shattering all the glass in the windows. Shepard stumbled and struggled to maintain balance.

Just then, Joker's voice came through to her radio. "Commander? We got trouble!"

_Great, what now?_ Frowning harshly, Shepard suppressed the fury in her tone. "Hit me, Joker."

"That ship, Sovereign? It's moving," said the pilot. "I don't know what you did down there, but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half. It's coming your way, and it's coming hard! You need to wrap things up in there – fast!"

Shepard's eyes narrowed at the news.

"This console is shot," said Kaidan. "Orders, Commander?"

"Let's head to the breeding facility and set the nuke. Joker, meet us there," Shepard ordered, her expression darkened. "I'm done playing nice. Time to blow this place to hell."

* * *

Location: Virmire Bomb Site

Twenty kiloton of nuclear bomb – enough to blow up the entire facility and then some – sitting on the ground, waiting to be armed. It certainly wasn't the first time Kaidan armed or disarmed a bomb, but never had he dealt with one this size. Still, the basic principles were the same, only on a larger scale. He could arm it without any problem, but it didn't make it less unsettling to handle a weapon of this level of destruction.

Kaidan took a subtle deep breath. He had to switch off his mind for now and focus only on relatively simple task.

"Bomb is in position, we're all set here," Kaidan informed Captain Kirrahe through the radio.

Ashley's voice came through his earpiece. "Commander, can you read me?"

"The nuke is almost ready. Get the the rendezvous point, Williams!" urged Shepard.

"Negative, Commander," said Ashley. "The Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties! We'll never make the rendezvous point in time."

"Damn it..." Shepard patched through to the Normandy immediately. "Joker, get them out of there NOW!"

"Negative," said Ashley. "It's too hot! Can't risk it. We'll hold them off as long as we-"

_Oh god._ Kaidan shot a glance at Shepard. She was torn, he could tell.

"It's okay, Commander," Kaidan said as calmly as he could. "I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the bomb. Go get them and meet me back here."

Shepard made a quick decision. "Tali, Garrus, stay here with Kaidan."

"They should go with you," Kaidan suggested. "The more friendly guns, the faster you could get to Williams."

Shepard scowled at his suggestion, not in disapproval, he knew, but only concern.

"This area is secured. I'll be fine," he insisted, wanting to give her all the protection and help she needed to rescue Ashley. "Let's not waste any time. The sooner you go, the sooner you'll get back."

Her expression was stern. Yet, when her eyes met his, when he gave her a reassuring nod, her gaze softened. Although it wasn't the first time Kaidan noticed he had this affect on her, it still amazed him. What Shepard saw in him, he might never find out. But he knew he was the luckiest man alive.

The commander nodded. "Arm the bomb. We'll be back soon enough."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

"To the AA tower!" Shepard told her team.

"Hey," he called out quietly, "watch yourself out there."

For a second, just a split second, Shepard gave him a lingering look before she turned and ran through the gate, and be on her way to save the day.

Some people were born to be heroes, Kaidan thought idly as he went to work on the bomb, Shepard was certainly one of them.

* * *

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

Shepard ran out as soon as the elevator door opened. The sky suddenly darkened when a ship cast a giant shadow over them.

"Damn. Geth are sending in reinforcements," said Wrex.

"Heads up, L-T." Shepard heard Ashley through her radio. "We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location."

_What?!_ Shepard drew a sharp breath, her eyes widened.

"It's already here," said Kaidan. "There are Geth pouring out all over the bomb site"

_No..._

"Can you hold them off?" asked Shepard, her heart threatened to jump out of her chest.

"There are too many. I don't think so. I'm activating the bomb."

_No! _

"Alenko, what the hell are you doing?!"

"I'm just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what."

"GODDAMMIT! NO!"

"It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here."

_NO! _

Shepard couldn't breath.

"Screw that!" said Ashley. "We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko!"

_Shit! Shit! SHIT!_

"ENOUGH! Both of you hang in there! That's a freaking order!" Shepard squeezed her eyes shut for a second. She had to make a decision.

And she had to make it now.

"Alenko, protect the bomb. And Hang. In. There." _You can't leave me. You can't..._ "You don't have my permission to die! Do you hear me?!" she ordered firmly, her voice icy cold, masking all the pain inside.

"Understood."

There was no time to waste, Shepard immediately switched her signal to the Normandy. "Normandy, this is Shepard! Do you read?"

"Normandy here," Joker replied.

It felt as if a piece of broken glass had lodged inside her heart, bleeding profusely. "Joker, double back to Alenko. Now!"

"Wha-"

"To Alenko! NOW!"

"Right away."

A hand landed on her shoulder. Shepard looked up and saw Garrus giving her a simple nod, supporting her decision no matter what it was. A simple comforting gesture from a good friend at this particular moment was too much for her to handle, Shepard almost lost it.

Almost.

But she couldn't. Shepard refused to let emotions get in the way.

_I am Lieutenant Commander Aerin Shepard of the Alliance Navy. Council Spectre. Captain of the SSV Normandy SR-1. My current mission is to detonate the bomb and destroy the breeding facility. My job is to protect the galaxy at all cost._

_At all cost._

Shepard took a sharp breath and shut down all her emotions. She had to a bomb to protect and a facility to destroy. Saren would not get his krogan army, no matter what.

No war was ever won without sacrifices. And this wasn't just a simple war; the galaxy was at stake. Getting stuck between a rock and a hard place, toughest decisions had to be made, it was part of her job. And all she could do was to make sure every sacrifice count by bring down that madman, even if it cost her own life.

"Let's head back to the bomb site." Shepard could only hope she would not be too late.

* * *

Location: Virmire Bomb Site

Fifteen years ago, he was a messed up kid who had killed his instructor with his biotics. Now, he was an officer of the Alliance Navy, serving with the first human Spectre whose mission was to save the galaxy. What used to be a curse had now become a blessing, his job gave him plenty of opportunities to put his biotics to good use.

Like right now.

Kaidan lifted a group of Geth up while putting another one in stasis. Switching to his rifle, he first fired at those Geth whose shields and weapons had been overloaded by him a few seconds earlier, then worked his way to the helpless floating ones, and lastly to the one locked in stasis.

It was all done methodically in a calm and cool manner. Among the chaotic battlefield, he had found order.

His shield was still holding when the last Geth fell onto the ground with a loud thump. Against all odds, he managed to hold off the first wave of attack. He was safe.

For now.

Kaidan panted heavily to catch his breath.

_Protect the bomb. And hang in there._ That was the order Shepard had issued.

He had to protect the bomb and make sure it would go off. If not, Saren would have his krogan army, and Shepard would not be able to defeat him.

Another ship approached. Kaidan swallowed hard and reloaded his rifle, then booted up his omni-tool to ready another series of quick attacks. Overloading the shields and weapons of the first group, biotic attacks on the second, then good old fashioned firepower to finish them in order.

But he was only one man against a group of Geth, even machine-like efficiency would not be enough. How much longer could he last?

It didn't matter. Kaidan knew he only had to last until the explosion.

He had to protect the bomb. He had to protect Shepard.

_You don't have my permission to die! Do you hear me?! _Her last words rang inside his head. He could hear the panic in her voice despite her effort to conceal it. Kaidan wanted to comfort her, but this time, he couldn't.

Her order was clear, as well as the underlying message. She couldn't lose him, she had told him that. It was a sentiment he shared, but sometimes they couldn't always get what they want, even if what they wanted was simply each other.

_I'm sorry, Aerin._

Fifteen years ago, he would have never thought he would have such a good life after the Brain Camp. He had his ups and downs throughout the years, sure, but in the end, he had found his place in the Alliance. And through the Alliance, he had found Shepard. Kaidan had no regrets.

Except for one.

He had never told Shepard he loved her.

* * *

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

It was the hardest call she had to make.

"Chief?" Shepard swallowed hard. "Williams? This is Shepard. Do you read?"

"Skipper?" said Ashley. "A little busy here!" There was a series of gunshots.

Shepard winced as she rushed back to the bomb. To Kaidan.

"Down you bastards!" Ashley panted. "You there, Skipper?"

Shepard swallowed again to loosen a lump in her throat before she could answer. "Yeah... I'll secure the bombsite then come back for you."

"You made the right call, Commander. We both know it." The sound of reloading a rifle was in the background. "Protect the bomb from those assholes and make sure it'll go off."

"Ash," Shepard's voice softened, "hang in there. I'll go back and get you."

"You and I both know it's not possible."

Trapped inside the elevator, Shepard repeatedly smashed the button and willed it to move faster. "I've managed the impossible before, Chief," said Shepard, trying her best to maintain a calm tone for the chief's sake. "Don't count me out just yet."

"Yes, ma'am. That's what I admire about you: Never give up. ...What the-! Son of a b-" Another series of gunshots rang loudly in Shepard's earpiece before the connection was cut off.

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut. In her mind, she could see vividly both Ashley and Kaidan under attack by the Geth. If only she could split herself and helped both.

"GOD DAMMIT!" Shepard slapped open her eyes and slammed her fist onto the wall, hard enough to shake the elevator.

She had never felt this helpless before.

* * *

Location: Virmire Bomb Site

Kaidan couldn't bring himself to call Shepard one last time. He wouldn't allow himself to distract her. If she heard his voice, she might rush back to him instead, and Ashley would...

No, Shepard should get Williams and get the hell out of this place. Williams had a team of STG soldiers with her, while he was the only one here facing an army of Geth. Shepard would be safer with them.

He could only hope they would be off this planet by the time the bomb went off.

Something trickled down from his nose. Kaidan didn't realize until it reached down to his lips and seeped inside his mouth. Still, he ignored that distinct metallic taste, ignored its implication. Whether it was from massive brain hemorrhage or gunfire, either way he was about to die. No point of holding back his biotics to keep his brain from overexertion. Rationally – and stubbornly – he kept on drawing from his biotic strength, trying his best to ignore the blindingly painful headache.

Four Geth approached, time for another round.

With a coarse grunt as he emptied out all his power to send a biotic kick and swept away the approaching Geth. The splitting headache hurt him enough to blind him. Although his vision had become blurry, Kaidan grabbed his rifle and sprayed at anything that moved. His shield couldn't hold for much longer.

_He_ couldn't hold on for much longer.

Blood dripped nonstop from his nose. Kaidan continued to ignore it. The remaining Geth were closing in. Searching deep within, he reached for the last bit of strength and detonated his remaining biotic shield, annihilated all the Geth around him, leaving him vulnerable to the next wave of attack.

And he could already see another ship coming.

Five more Geth dropped from a shuttle. In a dizzy haze, Kaidan managed to execute an overload program to disable the Geth's shields, buying him whatever advantage he could get. But still, it would not be enough.

Leaning against the ticking bomb, Kaidan reached for his rifle once more and fired the remaining few clips he had.

He had to protect the bomb. He had to protect Shepard.

Bullets flied both ways. Without his shield, one of them pierced through his armor and hit his left shoulder. Kaidan let out a cry.

_This is it..._

Still, his finger never stopped squeezing the trigger. He had to protect the bomb. He had to protect Shepard until his very last breath.

_I'm sorry, Aerin. I can't take you to the winery._

Three down. Two left. And he was down to his last clip.

_I can't protect you anymore. But I know you can do this without me._

Maybe, just maybe, he could squeeze one last biotic sphere for five seconds, tops. But after that...

_I've never told you this, but..._

_I love you..._

* * *

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

Shepard sprinted down the long path towards the bomb site, her team followed at her heels. Any Geth or krogans who dared to stand in her way was shot down mercilessly. There was no time for cover or tactic, her rifle sprayed continuously until her path to Kaidan was clear.

No, her path to the bomb, Shepard corrected herself pointedly. She made this choice not because of Kaidan, but because of the bomb, because of the mission, because of the galaxy.

A tiny yet persisting voice inside her head told her those were not the only reasons.

Shepard silenced that voice by planting bullets into the last krogan warlord guarding the gate that led to the exit.

It was then she heard Ashley's voice again. "Hey, Skipper?"

"I'm here, Ash," Shepard replied immediately. "What's your situation?"

"We got separated from Captain Kirrahe and his group. Only two of us are alive. Barely..." Ashley coughed. "All those flashlight-headed bastards are dead. But they might send more."

"Remember your direct order, Chief: Hang in there. I'll come get you."

"Kiss my ass, Shepard." Ashley chuckled weakly. "Your bossy tactic works for Alenko, but not me. He's sweet on you, you know that, right?"

Shepard kept her eyes on the gate in front of her. With every step she ran, it became bigger. "...I know..."

"If it wasn't for you and Kaidan, I would have been dead on Eden Prime," said Ashley with her voice weakened, her breath labored. "Thanks for giving me a few more months, the best time of my life. Now I have a chance to redeem my family name."

The lump in her throat was suffocating. She swallowed hard to push it away and found her voice. "You are one hell of a soldier, Williams. Your family would be proud of you."

"Thank you, ma'am. It means a lot coming from you."

"I'm proud of you too, Ash"

"Damn it, Skipper! Now you're making me cry." Ashley chuckled with her voice breaking. "I'm not afraid to die. I'll see you in heaven, Aerin. Both you and Kaidan. Wonder if they have a bar up there..."

"Don't say that..." Her throat tightened further as she continued to run towards the gate that separated her from Kaidan. Only a few more meters now.

"Shit! Another ship!" said Ashley.

That stopped her cold in her tracks. "Stay alive, Chief! That's an order!"

She could hear gunshots from both her earpiece and beyond the gate.

_Kaidan!_

Her stomached dropped. She could not lose both.

No! She refused to lose both! Shepard hurried to open the gate.

"See you on the other side, Skipp-"

"ASH! ASHLEY!"

Then there was nothing but static.

"DAMN IT!"

Out of frustration, she punched the control to open the gate, almost breaking it.

Shepard squeezed in before the gate was completely opened, rushing in with her gun blazing, shooting every Geth dared to stand in her way to her lieutenant.

"Get Kaidan, Aerin! We'll cover you!" said Garrus behind her.

"Bring it!" Wrex let out a battle cry.

The sight in front of her made her blood freeze. Kaidan was injured, leaning against the bomb with a pool of blood forming underneath him. Still, the stubborn man held up a biotic sphere to protect both himself and the bomb from the Geth's fire. But Shepard could see the shield was fading. She had to move fast.

A Geth with a rocket launcher managed to slip past her team and headed for Kaidan. It was then Kaidan's hand dropped and the shield around him dissipated.

_No. No. No!_

Shepard sprinted towards Kaidan and stopped right in front of him, using herself as a temporary cover for the injured man. Aiming her rifle at its arms, Shepard unloaded her bullets at the Geth, damaging the unit, and most importantly, stopping it from firing the rocket.

But even the Commander Shepard ran out of bullets.

Shepard reached for another clip and reloaded her gun as swiftly as she was trained to do, but that two precious seconds were enough for the badly damaged Geth to regain its balance and aim its rocket launcher right at her.

_Kaidan! RUN!_ She wanted to scream.

Instinct demanded her to dodge, but she didn't. She was the only thing that stood between a rocket and the man she loved. And Shepard stood taller than ever as she began to unload another clip at the synthetic creature, this time aiming squarely at its flashlight head.

Before Shepard could pull her trigger, a familiar ball of biotic energy hit the Geth, lifting it in the air.

Singularity, Shepard breathed a sigh of relief and finished off the floating Geth.

Shepard spared a glance at Liara's direction and nodded her thanks. The doctor gave her a brief smile before she focused back on the battlefield and unleashed another biotic attack.

The gravitational power would trap any Geth approaching her direction for a while, Shepard knew, giving her a perfect shield while retrieving Kaidan to safety.

"Kaidan!" Shepard dropped to her knees next to her lieutenant. "Hey... It's okay. I'm here..."

When he looked up to her, she noticed his nose was bleeding, his eyes barely opened. He had overexerted himself with his biotics.

_Shit!_

"Hey, hey! Stay with me," she urged him. "Let's get you out of here."

"Aer..." He coughed, blood spilled from the corner of his mouth.

"Tali!" Shepard shouted out. "Guard the bomb!"

"On it!" The young quarian hacked a Geth to attack another before rushing to her new position.

Draping his arm over her shoulders, Shepard hauled Kaidan up and guided him to a safe cover. Gunshots fired around them, Shepard positioned herself to shield him with her body as they headed to the covered area along the side of the building.

More than a few stray bullets hit her armor, but her shield was still holding when they reached the cover. Shepard gently lowered him onto the ground and checked for his injuries. Blood poured from the gunshot wound on his left shoulder, Shepard quickly reached for the medi-gel to stop the bleeding.

Kaidan's eyes struggled to open. Masking her fear and distress, she met his unfocused gaze with a forced smile. "You're gonna be okay..."

"...Ash?" Kaidan asked coarsely.

Shepard froze at that name. A bullet through her heart would probably be less painful than hearing this question. Especially from him. She could feel the trembling inside of her but Shepard refused to break down.

Shepard swallowed hard before she could answer, "We'll get her." She steeled herself then refocused on applying the much needed medi-gel on him.

Despite being severely weakened by his injuries, Kaidan seemed to be able to see through her lies. He looked at her with an expression she had never seen on him. Was it remorse or... hatred?

Shepard felt another stab in her heart.

"Don't lie to me..." His voice might be weak, but she could feel every bit of anger behind it.

Shepard couldn't bring herself to answer. She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. Instead, she concentrated on the torn flesh and the medi-gel in her hands, and stubbornly focused on one single thought inside her head: She had to stop the bleeding until they could send him back to the Normandy for a proper surgery to remove the bullet.

"...Why?" he breathed out one simple word.

That one word was enough to send a sharp jolt down her spine. Shepard bit her lower lip hard enough to draw blood, keeping it from trembling. She couldn't risk looking at him or else the emotion floodgate she had tried so hard to maintain would crumble. But she could feel those once loving eyes on her profile, demanding an answer she couldn't provide.

Shepard couldn't take it anymore.

"Liara!" Shepard called out after sealing the wound.

The doctor lifted three Geth in the air with her biotics for Wrex to shoot before she rushed to Shepard's side. "How's Kaidan?"

Shepard's face was perfectly masked by then. "Biotic overexertion. Gunshot wound on his shoulder. Bleeding is stopped for now," she answered with her tone flat and detached. "Stay with the lieutenant. I'll help them with the Geth."

"Of course."

With her blood-soaked hands, she reached for her rifle once more and rushed back onto the battlefield without sparing a glance back. Shepard didn't need to look back to know that Kaidan had been staring at her retreating form, full of questions, guilt, and perhaps even hatred.

She had enough of guilt and hatred for herself to last a lifetime. She didn't need his.

Not right now.

* * *

Shepard couldn't believe her eyes when she spotted a turian on a hover platform, descending from the sky after the last Geth was down.

Saren was here?

Before she could take a closer look to confirm his identity, the turian fired a series of biotic attacks right at her.

Cursing out loud, Shepard barely rolled out of harm's way and leaped into a cover.

She peeked out and unloaded a few rounds at the approaching turian. His shield deflected every single bullet, but during that few seconds of aiming, Shepard noticed something extremely disturbing: Saren appeared to be more than just a turian, he was half-machine, almost Geth-like.

What the hell had he done to himself?

"I applaud you, Shepard," said Saren. "My Geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat. An impressive diversion. Of course, it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake."

As much as she wanted to murder Saren, Shepard needed answers. Dead people couldn't talk. "Why are you doing this?" Shepard demanded sharply.

"You've seen the vision from the beacons, Shepard. You, of all people, should understand what the Reapers are capable of. They cannot be stopped."

Everything from her recurring nightmares came crashing through, her visions flashed inside her head. The helplessness, the powerlessness, the inevitable doom. Could Saren be right? The Reapers couldn't be stopped?

No... No. Absolutely not.

Everything could be destroyed. There had to be a way.

"Do not mire yourself in pointless revolt," Saren continued. "Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. The Protheans tried to fight, and they were utterly destroyed."

_We are NOT the Protheans_, Shepard told herself.

"Trillions dead. But what if they had bowed before the invaders?" asked Saren. "Would the Protheans still exit? Is submission not preferable to extinction?"

"I'd rather die than submit! Do you really believe the Reapers will let us live?"

"Now you see why I never came forward with this to the Council," said Saren. "We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We will fight even when we know we cannot win. But if we work with the Reapers – if we make ourselves useful – think how many lives could be spared!"

"And we'd all be slaves!"

"If organic life is to survive, we must also prove we are useful. We _must_ work with the Reapers."

"Over my dead body! I'll never work with the Reapers!"

"You simply don't understand it yet, Shepard," Saren said calmly. "Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign, though I was aware of the... dangers. I had hoped this facility could protect me."

"Sovereign, I met him. Not too impressive," Shepard lied about the last part. As much as she hated that synthetic bastard in holographic form, she had to admit its real form was quite intimidating. But then, according to both Shiala and Benezia, Sovereign's true power lied within its subtle mind-control, not its size. Then the truth suddenly hit her. "You're afraid Sovereign is influencing you. You're afraid he's controlling your thoughts."

"I've studied the effects of indoctrination. The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable the subject becomes. That is my saving grace."

There it was again, the word 'indoctrination'...

Saren continued, "The Conduit is the key to your destruction and my salvation. Sovereign needs my help to find it. That is the only reason I have not been indoctrinated. My mind is still my own... for now. But the transformation from ally to servant can be subtle. I will not let it happen to me."

Shepard almost wanted to laugh. "It is happening, can't you see? Sovereign's manipulating you and you don't even know it! You're already under its power!"

"No!" Saren denied. "Sovereign needs me. If I find the Conduit, I've been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my only hope!"

_You are indoctrinated, you idiot! _"If you're not indoctrinated, prove it! Join me. Together we can stop Sovereign!" said Shepard, giving diplomacy one last chance despite every fiber of her being demanded Saren's head. "We don't have to submit to the Reapers. We can beat them!"

"I no longer believe that, Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful. The only hope of survival is to join them," said Saren. "Sovereign is a machine. It thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!"

"Listen to yourself! If you are a resource, you can be replaced!"

"By whom? You?" asked Saren almost incredulously. "You are still fighting your visions, fighting the inevitable."

"At least I fight to protect the galaxy. You? You broke your vow to defend the galaxy just to save yourself! You were a Spectre, Saren!"

"I'm not doing this for myself! Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable. My way is the only way any of us will survive!" said Saren. "I'm forging an alliance between us and the Reapers. Between organics and machines. And in doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed!"

"Bullshit! There has to be another way. You're choosing the easy way out, the only way that would save your own skin! And you are doing it without the permission of every organic you are claiming to save! You might be spared, but what about the rest of us? We don't want to be the indoctrinated mindless slaves of a giant machine!"

"Is that your choice?" asked Saren.

"Yes! I choose freedom and free will any day!"

"You would undo my work, Shepard. You would doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation. And for that, you must die!"

"No, _you_ are dooming us all, you indoctrinated bastard!" Shepard said as she jumped out of cover and fired at Saren. "Take down his shield, now!"

Two overloads executed simultaneously in a satisfying explosion on Saren's shield.

For better or worse, Saren focused his attack solely on Shepard while ignoring her team. He was out for blood.

And so was she.

Saren had to pay for what he had done. To Ashley, to Benezia, to Nihlus, and to everyone he had ever hurt.

"The fuel tanks! Hit those fuel tanks when he's near!" Shepard ordered while she dodge another series of biotic attacks.

While Saren jumped back on his hover platform and reached for his gun, Shepard retaliated and emptied a clip at him, stripping the remaining shield on the former Spectre.

"You want his head, Wrex? Now is a good time!" said Shepard after she had jumped away from Saren's bullets and dodged behind a new cover.

"The kill shot is mine, Shepard!" Garrus reminded her while switching to his sniper rifle.

"I don't freaking care! Just kill him!" Shepard reloaded quickly.

"We'll see who gets him, Vakarian!" said Wrex as he charged towards the rogue Spectre with his shotgun.

Saren floated above the charging krogan, easily dodged the attack. But his rifle suddenly exploded.

"Take that, you bosh'tet!" shouted Tali.

Shepard took that precious second to come out from her cover and fired another clip right at Saren. He should be dead by now, but he wasn't. Instead, his shield seemed to have already regenerated. Whatever upgrades he had gotten from the Geth had made him invincible.

Shepard didn't like this new finding a single bit.

Unfazed by her attack, Saren holstered his rifle and cast a biotic shockwave straight at Shepard. With nowhere else to hide, Shepard was hit by the biotic explosion, stripping her shield down to nothing.

"DAMN IT! Lost shield!" Shepard scrambled to get up before another attack found its way to her.

"Cover Shepard!" Wrex ordered while pumping shots after shots from his shotgun.

Shepard rolled out of the way and dodged behind a cover. Panting heavily, she reloaded her rifle and peeked out from her cover to shoot at Saren, trying to bring down his shield once again. "Overload now!"

Tali's omni-tool lit up, an explosion on Saren's shield was set off almost immediately.

"Take him down, Garrus!" Shepard yelled as she jumped out of her cover, disregarding her lack of shield.

She squeezed her rifle trigger and unloaded a clip at the former Spectre to distract him, buying enough time for Garrus to line up a headshot. Saren, however, fired a biotic blast directly at her, forcing Shepard to cease fire and jump out of the way.

Garrus fired but missed as Saren flew away and headed to Kaidan's direction.

Staying with the lieutenant and guarding him, Liara cast a quick series of biotic attacks at Saren. Yet, the blue energy merely bounced off the turian's armor.

Sheaprd's eyes widened in shock.

Was he really invincible?

Nothing could stop him. The turian headed straight to the asari and injured man, launching another attack from his outreaching hand.

Shepard's breath caught in her throat as she watched in horror.

Glowing as bright as the sky, Liara held up a strong shield around her and the lieutenant just in time to bounce off the incoming attack. But Saren's biotics was shockingly strong, forcing Liara to stumble back and retract her shield.

_No. No. No!_

Perhaps it was just a trap to lure her out of her cover, Shepard didn't have time to think. She had to stop Saren before he could get to Kaidan. She leaped out of her current cover and dashed towards the turian. Saren fired yet another biotic attack. This time, aiming not at Shepard but at her lieutenant.

That split second wasn't enough to think, only barely enough to react. Shepard jumped right in front of the biotic blast to intercept it. She screamed in pain as it hit her squarely on her chest, sending her flying off before she landed roughly on the ground.

Paralyzed by the searing pain shooting through her body, Shepard couldn't move. She could hardly breathe.

"Aerin!" Liara cried.

The turian jumped down from his platform and approached her. Through her blurry vision, Shepard saw him coming, but her muscles didn't respond to her command.

"Stay away from her!" Liara shouted as she unleashed her own biotics on Saren once again to toss him away from Shepard.

Saren merely stopped for a second when the biotic energy hit his shield. Undaunted, the turian reached down and grabbed Shepard by her neck. Shepard's survival instinct kicked in, her muscles responded. She grabbed onto Saren's wrist in an attempt to free herself from his grasp, but his grip was too strong. With his long arm stretched, Saren effortlessly lifted Shepard high up in the air.

Shepard gasped for precious air. But found none.

"Shepard!" Wrex howled.

Nobody dared to attack when Shepard was at Saren's grasp.

Saren tightened his grip, his talons dug painfully into her skin. Just a little more force and her neck would break. She knew it. _He_ knew it.

_No! I can't die!_

Shepard tried to pry his hand away and kick his torso.

_I can't let you kill everyone!_

Dangling above the ground with an iron grip tightening around her neck, everything struggle was futile.

A sudden ear-splitting half-primal, half-mechanical sound coming from above. Saren looked up. Temporarily distracted, his grip was loosened, Shepard balled her fist and landed a right hook right on his face, causing Saren to drop her in surprise.

Shepard could only lie on the ground, gasping for precious air.

Using her biotics, Liara pulled Shepard out of Saren's reach before he could grab her again. With Shepard safely out of range, the team immediately resumed their attack on the former Spectre.

Lying on her back, Shepard could clearly spot what that sound was from, what distracted Saren before he could finish her off.

Floating above the clear blue sky was a giant ship.

It was Sovereign.

As though he was answering his master's call, Saren hopped back onto the hover platform and ascended back to his ship. Getting back on her feet, Shepard picked up her rifle and fired at the retreating turian. But it was too late.

"Damn it! He's getting away!" Garrus pulled the trigger of his sniper rifle with a last attempt to stop Saren. His bullet did hit the other man but it only damaged the shield.

"The bomb! How much time do we have?" asked Tali then checked it herself. "Keelah! We have to get out of here! Where's our ship?!"

With Sovereign gone, the Normandy was finally able to descend for a much needed evacuation.

All the muscles on her body hurt like hell from Saren's attack, but Shepard ignored the pain and rushed back to Kaidan. Leaning against the side of the building, the lieutenant remained unconscious despite the commotion around him. His face was sickly pale, covered with cold sweat, blood dripping from his nose, down to his lips and his chin.

Shepard's heart dropped to her stomach.

"Kaidan," she called out. "Hey, hey... Wake up. It's over."

His eyes struggled to open in response.

Fear almost paralyzed her. She couldn't lose him. She could _not_! Shepard absolutely refused to let that happen. "Come on, let's get you to Dr. Chakwas."

"Ash..." he murmured through his shallow breaths.

The unseen dagger once again stabbed her heart, its blade twisting.

Both guilt and fear threatened to eat her alive. Shepard swallowed hard and shoved all the unwanted emotions away. Right now, she had to focus on one mission – one man.

Draping Kaidan's arm around her shoulders, Shepard wrapped hers around his waist and lifted him up with a grunt. The pain throughout her body was temporarily forgotten.

_I'm sorry, Kaidan. I can never leave you behind._

"Hang in there," she told him softly as she carried him towards the Normandy.

_I can't lose you. You know I can't do this without you._

"You can hate me all you want. But don't you dare die on me, Lieutenant. That's an order..."

_I've never told you this, but..._

_I love you..._


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: All settings and characters belong to Bioware.

Virmire

Part 3: Solace

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Captain's Cabin

_'Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.'_

Blue eyes stared blankly at that quote on her omni-tool until words turned into nothing more than a few blurry lines. But Shepard didn't need to read it to know what it said, she had long memorized it. This particular quote had been stored in her omni-tool for years since her mother had passed these words of wisdom to her, words from a wise man who had brightened the lives of many children two hundred years ago. And now, two centuries later, those same words were guiding this lost child beyond the solar system, across the galaxy.

_'It takes strength to acknowledge our anger... It takes strength to face our sadness... It takes strength to reach out for comfort.'_

It was that strength Shepard desperately needed, and one that she sorely lacked right now.

Leaning back on her chair, Shepard shut her eyes and ordered the pain throughout her body to go away. The arching muscles and bones were not enough to distract her from the agony she was going through inside. Having someone died under her command was never easy. This time, it was even harder. This time, she had a choice.

Ashley's blood was on her hands.

Unconsciously, Shepard stared at her own hands. Still wearing her armor, she noticed her gauntlets were coated with blood that had been dried. The blood, however, wasn't Ashley's, it was Kaidan's.

Shepard had left the lieutenant with Dr. Chakwas and had not returned to the Med Bay since. She couldn't bring herself to face Kaidan, to face the questions she knew he would ask. Not yet. But when would she ever be ready?

A soft knock on the door stole her attention, offering her a temporary distraction from her never-ending guilt. Liara stepped in, looking exhausted.

There was one question on her mind, yet Shepard found it hard to ask. She was almost too afraid to find out. Almost. But even at her weakest, most vulnerable moment, Aerin Shepard was not a coward.

"How's the lieutenant?" Shepard asked quietly.

"Stabilized."

That one word relieved her of all the weight on her shoulders. Shepard let out a deep sigh and slumped back onto her chair with her eyes shut.

"Dr. Chakwas removed the bullet from his shoulder," Liara continued. "There is no permanent damage on his brain. He is still unconscious from the surgery, but he'll recover."

_He'll recover, and he'll hate me._ Shepard didn't say a word.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and opened her eyes. Liara looked straight into her, full of concern. "Aerin, you should go see Dr. Chakwas."

"I'm fine, Liara."

The doctor wasn't convinced. "Saren's biotics was stronger than anything I've seen from a turian. He hit you twice with it."

"I'll go see Chakwas later."

Liara studied her curiously. "Are you avoiding the lieutenant?"

It took Shepard a few seconds to answer. "I have a feeling I'm not the first person he wants to see when he wakes up."

"I disagree," said Liara. "If you saved my life, you're the first person I wanted to see."

"Ashley died because of me, Liara. They were close."

"She died because of Saren, not you, Aerin."

"_I_ made that choice. Not Saren."

"You made the right choice. You had to secure the bomb and destroy the facility." Liara shook her head. "We were all there with you, we saw what happened. If you didn't go back to Kaidan, the Geth would have killed him and disarmed the bomb before it went off."

Was that the only reason behind her decision? Would she have saved Kaidan even if he wasn't with the bomb? Shepard didn't want to think.

"Before the surgery, Kaidan was conscious for a short moment," the asari doctor told her. "He only said one word: Aerin. We told him you were safe and he passed out." Liara paused to give her a wistful smile. "Go to him, Aerin. He needs you."

* * *

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Med Bay

For once, Shepard dragged her heels when she approached her lieutenant. She had no idea how she would face Kaidan once he woke up. She knew underneath Kaidan's calm and professional exterior lied a very passionate soul who cared deeply about the things he loved, the people he loved. And Shepard also knew among the people on his list, Ashley was definitely one of them.

They had shared a bond, Kaidan and Ashley, even though at times they were polar opposites of each other. Kaidan had taken her under his wings, to some extent, and had often offered professional advices to the chief, while Ashley had returned the favor by offering advices in social departments. More than a few times, Shepard had found herself biting her tongue to stop laughing when the chief had schooled the lieutenant on the topics about the opposite sex.

And now, that was a thing of the past.

Shepard stopped a few steps away from Kaidan's bedside. A blanket covered up to his bare chest, leaving his now-bandaged wound clear in view. For a long silent moment, Shepard stood and watched his chest rose and fell with each breath he took. Inside her head was another image, one which he lied motionless, his chest still with no breath taken – one which he was dead.

Just how close was that image from becoming reality? One single decision from her could have changed Kaidan's life as well as Ashley's.

No one should ever have that power. No one should ever make that decision.

Shepard took a deep breath and steeled herself. The decision had been made, and it was the right decision to protect the bomb. Even if she had a do-over, she would make the same choice. But that thought didn't bring her any comfort.

Ashley's blood was on her hands. And that was the price she had to pay to save Kaidan, to save the bomb.

She should go before he woke up. Shepard knew she wasn't the person he would want to see when he first opened his eyes. She wouldn't blame Kaidan if he hated her. No, she would never blame him for anything. And he had the right to hate her for Ashley's death, after all, it was her decision, her choice, and her responsibility.

Her gaze once again landed on the unconscious man – the man she had protected with her own life.

The heart-stopping fear she had experience when his life was on the line was not something she could ever forget. Against her better judgment, she had come to care about him a lot more than she should. Would she had saved him if he wasn't with the bomb? Deep down, she knew the answer, and it was one she was not proud of, and one Kaidan would not approval.

Shepard let out a heavy sigh.

The emotional floodgate she had put up since Virmire already had more than a few cracks, and the longer she stayed with Kaidan, the more unstable it had became. Shepard quickly retreated back to her comfort zone and focused on her current mission. She had a report to write, a ship to run, and a madman to hunt. But first, perhaps she should change out of her armor and take a shower. Shepard wasn't looking forward seeing the bruises on her torso and her back, or discovering a broken rib or two. Her armor had done its job compressing her muscles to minimize the pain, yet the pain was getting worse by the minute.

Ignoring her discomfort, Shepard took a step closer and stood by Kaidan's bedside.

"Hey... I know you can't hear me, but I just want to tell you I'm sorry, I couldn't save Ash..." She paused, feeling incredibly stupid for confessing to an unconscious audience. Yet, at the same time, it felt strangely liberating. What harm could it do?

Peeling off her gauntlets, Shepard reached out to touch the side of his face gently. "You probably hate me right now, but..." Shepard took a deep breath and blurted out, "I love you, Kaidan, and I need you. I don't want to lose you. Think you'll ever forgive me?"

Kaidan stirred, and Shepard froze.

* * *

Following the light at the end of a dark tunnel would lead us to afterlife, or so he had heard. When Kaidan struggled to open his eyes, the first thing he saw was light. Through his blurry vision, he saw nothing but white light.

Then he saw a face. Although that white light was shining from behind it, casting heavy shadow upon the features, he recognized that beautiful face instantly. If this was his heaven, of course Shepard would be here.

Kaidan felt strangely peaceful.

But that peacefulness was short-lived. When he reached out to touch her, a sudden pain shot from his arm up to his shoulder – pain he should not have felt if he was dead. Kaidan felt a warm hand holding his to keep it from moving.

"Try not to move," said Shepard. "You just got out of surgery."

_Surgery? _Kaidan was disoriented. The pain he felt was real, so was the hand holding onto his. _I'm __alive? _His chest expanded involuntarily to take a breath of cool air. That answered his question.

"You're safe," Shepard told him. "Back on the Normandy."

_Normandy... Virmire..._

Even though his throat was dry, his tongue felt numb, Kaidan managed to make a sound, "...bomb?"

"It went off. The facility is destroyed."

_If I'm alive, then... _

"...Ash..." he made another sound in a whisper.

All of a sudden, Shepard withdrew her hand from his. Her warmth left him in an instant. For a long moment, Shepard remained as still and cold as an ice sculpture. Kaidan wondered if she could hear him. But before he could ask again, the commander shook her head stiffly.

_Oh god, no..._ Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and took a ragged breath at the news – a breath that should not have been taken. He should have been dead by now. Yet, he wasn't. He was once again back on the Normandy, back to where he belonged.

Ashley, on the other hand...

"I'll tell them you're awake." She turned and left before he could find his voice once again.

_Aerin, what have you done? _Kaidan stared at the close door, torn between guilt and gratitude for the fact that he survived. He was alive, but at what cost?

The cost of another life – the life of a good friend.

_Why didn't you listen to me, Shepard?_

Although no doubt he was heavily medicated, he could feel the pain building on the inside. Pain that could not be dulled by any medication. Pain that was brought by the simple fact that he was alive. Pain that led to one ultimate question.

_Why me, Commander, why not her?_

* * *

Sitting on the bed, Kaidan held back a wince as Dr. Chakwas re-applied bandages on his shoulder after an examination.

"That should do it," said the doctor. "No major damage on your muscles and tissues. You'll recover in no time. As for your biotics, I've run a scan on your brain. There's no permanent damage, but I suggest you to keep your biotics offline for at least a few days."

"...Thanks," said Kaidan quietly.

The doctor studied him with her keen eyes. "Kaidan, I know this is hard on you. What you are going through is survivor's guilt. Like physical traumas, emotional ones will take time to heal. Right now, you need to focus on getting better. The commander needs you."

_Aerin..._

"Stay here and get some rest, Lieutenant."

Kaidan didn't know how much time had passed before Shepard stepped into the Med Bay, all he knew was he couldn't take his mind off Virmire, off Ashley. When Shepard came in, he noticed she was still in her armor. Her face was pale, her expression blank.

"Finally, there you are, Commander," said the doctor, looking up from her desk.

"You wanted to see me?" asked the commander.

"For a few hours now, yes," said Chakwas. "I believe I've sent various members of your crew to go get you."

"They told me. I got your message."

"I was about to issue a direct order as your physician to have you report to the Med Bay."

Shepard didn't answer, instead she asked, "How's the lieutenant?"

"No permanent damage on his brain. His biotics needs to be offline for at least a few days. Gunshot wound on his shoulder will be healed without complications. Overall, Lieutenant Alenko is in remarkable shape considering what he had gone through."

Shepard merely nodded without looking at him.

"You, on the other hand..." Chakwas gave the commander a look of disapproval. "You haven't checked in since you came back, you haven't even changed out of your suit."

Shepard just shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Let me be the judge of that. It's your turn, Commander. Have a seat over here," said Chakwas. "You know the drill."

Shepard obliged and sat on a bed next to his with her back facing him. She quickly and quietly stripped off her armor piece by piece. Lying down on his back, Kaidan politely averted his eyes and retreated back into his own thoughts.

Why did she come back to save him? Why didn't she go get Ashley? Those were the question he had asked himself over and over again. He recalled barely holding onto his biotic shield, then suddenly Shepard had appeared next to him. He remembered wondering if his mind had conjured up a image of the woman he loved before his impending death. Now he knew it was not a hallucination, it was Shepard playing that hero she was born to play. But the hero had arrived at the wrong location, saving the wrong person. Against his advice, against his wish, Shepard had come for him, at the expense of Ashley's life.

Why him? Why not her?

Kaidan shut his eyes and frowned harshly. He could feel a headache building.

It was Chakwas' question that pulled him out of his misery. "What happened to your neck?" asked the doctor.

"Saren tried to choke me to death," Shepard answered flatly. "Grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up."

_What? _Kaidan's eyes snapped open in horror.

Kaidan resisted the temptation to turn his head and look. From the corner of his eye, he noticed the doctor reached behind Shepard's neck to feel her spine before tilting the commander's head up to take a closer look at her neck. "Bruises and cuts only. You are lucky, Commander. A turian's grip could be strong enough to snap your neck."

"He almost did," said Shepard with a detached voice, as though she was telling someone else's story. "I managed to punch his face when he was distracted."

Kaidan's stomach dropped. Did he almost lose her?

The doctor shook her head before checking Shepard's spine for further damage. "Dr. T'Soni informed me that you had been hit by biotics twice."

Shepard made a noncommittal sound.

"I believe she identified them as warp and shockwave."

"Shockwave first, stripped my shield. Warp later on," Shepard reported dutifully. Her voice was still void of emotions.

_Oh god..._ Kaidan frowned at the news.

Curious, he turned and glanced over and saw Shepard still sitting on the bed with her bare back facing him. And there is was, a bruise peeking from the waistband of her pants, extended from her hips through her narrow waist, up to her shoulder blades. The built-up blood formed a pattern ranging from deep red to dark pink under her pale skin.

Kaidan winced in pain.

"He hit you hard," Chakwas commented as she examined the commander's front torso.

"Direct hit," said Shepard who suddenly drew a sharp breath and muffled a scream.

Kaidan winced again.

"On the scale of one to ten, how much did that hurt?" asked the doctor as she moved her hands away from Shepard's stomach.

"Mm... Four?" Shepard panted.

"If it's any other patient, the answer would be eleven. I'll run a scan to make sure there's no broken ribs or organ damage." The doctor shook her head again with a sigh then reached for her equipment to run a full scan on the commander. "Did Saren catch you by surprise?"

"No. I saw it coming."

_Why didn't you dodge?_ Kaidan frowned in confusion. It didn't make any sense to him. Shepard would never make that mistake, Kaidan knew, especially not with her shield disabled.

Dr. Chakwas voiced his question, "You're not a cadet, Commander. You had to know what a biotic warp would do to you without your shield."

To that, the commander didn't answer.

_It could have killed you! _Kaidan took a deep breath and looked away._ What were you thinking, Aerin?_

The doctor finished the scan. "You're lucky there's no organ damage or bone fracture. But there's internal bleeding due to blunt force trauma. For now, surgery is not required, but observation is needed. I'll give you something for the pain meanwhile."

"So can I go now?" asked Shepard flatly as she put her shirt back on.

"Observation, Commander," Chakwas repeated.

"I'll check in a few times a day."

"Do I need to order you to get some rest?"

"I can't sleep. Might as well finish the report to the Council."

"The Council can wait for a few hours," said Chakwas. "As the ship doctor, your well-being is my responsibility. You have been under too much stress-"

"I'm fine, Doctor," Shepard cut her off, her voice sharpened a notch.

"Your vital readings say otherwise. Your stress level is too high. You need to relax and rest, Commander."

"I can't relax when Saren's still out there!"

The doctor shook her head and remained calm. "Right now, what you need is to recover. If you're not at your best you can't defeat an enemy like Saren. What happened on Virmire was unfortunate. But for your own sake, you have to let it go, Shepard."

Shepard remained quiet.

"If you need help with your insomnia-"

"No," said the commander quickly. "...I'll try to get some sleep. Thanks..."

Chakwas nodded. "If I release you from the Med Bay, no doubt you'll be running around the ship. Stay here, Commander, and get some rest for a few hours." The doctor then came to him and checked the readings on the machine by his bedside. She gave him a knowing looking and shook her head after reading the recorded data of his vitals. "That goes for you as well, Lieutenant. Get some rest, that's an order from the doctor for both of you."

It was almost as if Shepard didn't notice him until now. She turned her head slightly but never looked at him. Chakwas lowered the light setting and exited the Med Bay. And suddenly there was nothing but dead silence in the room. The only sound was the faint noise as Shepard shifted to lie down on her back. For the longest time, neither of them said a word.

Gone was the comfortable and warm silence they used to share. An icy cold one had settled between them. One burning question had been haunting him and Kaidan couldn't hold back any longer. He needed an answer or he would explode. Kaidan glanced over and noticed Shepard was wide awake, staring at the ceiling.

"...Why me?" he asked quietly, breaking the icy silence. "Why not her?"

For a long moment, Shepard didn't move, nor did she even blink. If it wasn't for the slight rise and fall of her chest, she would be as still as a statue.

"Why didn't you save Williams?"

Her chest rose higher as she finally blinked. "My mission on Virmire was to stop Saren, whatever his plan was," Shepard started in the same flat tone she had given Chakwas. "His plan was-"

"I know what his plan was!"

"Then you know we had to destroy the facility before he could have his army of krogan slaves," said Shepard, her gaze stubbornly remained on the ceiling.

"Of course I know!" Kaidan couldn't believe she was pulling this type of bullshit on him. "I armed the bomb. You could have saved Ash and left with the Normandy!"

Shepard's eyes shut as her chest once again rose high with a deep breath.

Kaidan waited for an answer, but there was none.

"Why didn't you go to Ash?" Kaidan asked once more. He didn't know why he needed to hear the answer. Was it to give himself some much needed closure? Or to ease his biting guilt? "Answer me," he pushed.

Blue eyes snapped open and Shepard turned to face him. Her expression was one he had never seen. Her eyes were cold, her voice even colder. "I am a Spectre, Lieutenant! I've sworn an oath to protect the galaxy. And it's my duty to do so. Whatever it takes."

Her tone sent a chill up his spine.

"The bomb was vital to the mission," Shepard continued. There was not a trace of emotion on her face or her voice. "It's my duty to make sure it would go off as planned. I went back to guard the bomb, to kill every Geth that tried to disarm it. It worked. Unfortunately, Saren escaped, but he no longer has the cure for genophage or an army of krogan slaves."

Kaidan scowled at her answer. "That's it?"

"Billions of lives out there in the galaxy hinge upon the success of the mission that has been assigned to me by the Council. I CANNOT fail."

He didn't know what he expected to hear, or what he expected from her. But he knew her well enough to know she was hiding – hiding from the truth, hiding from him. Deep down, he knew the reason why he was still here, the reason why she had chosen him, and it was not just because of the bomb.

"But that's not all, was it?" he asked with his tone softened, trying to bypass the commander to get to his Aerin.

Something in her eyes shifted. But Shepard quickly broke the gaze and took another deep breath and shifted to rest on her back once again, effectively indicating the end of their conversation.

Taking a ragged breath to fight the dizziness, Kaidan pressed on. "If Williams was with the bomb, would I still be here?"

There was pause before her icy voice answered, "She was not with the bomb. You were."

"Was it really just because of the bomb? Look at me and answer me just once and I'll leave you alone."

Shepard covered her eyes with her hand without giving an answer. When Kaidan noticed she was biting her lower lip to keep it from trembling, he couldn't possibly feel more terrible.

Ignoring the pain, he pushed himself up, trying to reach out to her. "Aerin..."

Shepard suddenly bolted up and looked straight at him. Blue eyes turned glassy and red. "It was either you or Ash!" said Shepard in rare exasperation. "And I had less than a few seconds to decide. How was I supposed to choose? I could never leave you behind!"

There it was, the answer he had known deep down now laid right in front of him, clearly and painfully. And the truth hurt like hell. "So that's it? Ash died because of us? How could you do that?!"

"I had to make a choice, Kaidan! Ashley died because of my decision, and I have to live with it for the rest of my life! I can't lose you, damn it, I love you!"

That hit him hard. Was he blinded by so much pain and became too selfish to see that she was suffering as much as he was right now, if not more? He wasn't angry with Shepard, he was angry with himself. She had saved his life, and in return, he had hurt her.

And she loved him. How could he do that to her?

The agony on her face was almost too much for him to bear. "Aerin, I-"

"What would you have done if I was with the bomb and you could only save one?" asked Shepard quietly, but he could hear her voice was on the verge of breaking.

Kaidan was utterly blindsided by that question.

Without waiting for his answer, Shepard jumped out of the bed.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

"The last thing you need is to start a fight with me." Shepard headed for the door. "You need to rest."

"Aerin, wait..."

Shepard paused. When she turned to face him, her expression once again turned icy cold. "You're off-duty until you've fully recovered, Lieutenant. That's an order." With that, she exited the Med Bay.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, wishing his headache would leave him alone for now. Shepard's last question echoed through his mind. What would he have done if he had to choose between Shepard and Williams? He knew his answer immediately. Kaidan had always thought he could separate his feelings from his duties. But now, he wasn't so sure anymore.

* * *

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Captain's Cabin

Shutting down her emotions was easy when there was work needed to be done. The ability to compartmentalize their feelings was a crucial key to being a successful professional soldier, and Shepard had always excelled at it. Now, with the report sent, there was nothing else left to distract her except for one last task, a task she had been putting off: She had to inform Ashley's family what had happened to their beloved daughter and sister.

Ashley had died on her watch, the Williams family deserved an answer from her. But what could she tell them, especially Mrs. Williams? That she had made the call to ensure the mission was a success instead of saving her daughter? That she had chosen to save the best biotic in the Alliance instead of the gunnery chief?

Telling them the truth – however embellished Shepard could make it sound – would not give the grieving family any comfort. But would the standard 'your daughter had given her life as a hero to protect the galaxy' bring less pain to everyone?

Shepard doubted it.

The truth was often ugly, the key was to delivery it artfully, Shepard knew. Yet her mind went blank as she stared at the terminal on her desk.

Shepard covered her face with both her hands, temporarily relieving herself from the reality. Sometimes, even the Commander Shepard needed a place to hide.

There was a knocked on the door before it slid open. Shepard cursed silently at the intrusion but didn't bother to look up from her hands. Who else would dare to disturb her right now?

"I've seen Dr. Chakwas, Liara," Shepard mumbled. "She said I'm fine."

"She also ordered you to rest in the Med Bay," said a slightly raspy yet soothing voice, a male one.

Startled, Shepard dropped her hands and glanced up. Through her slightly blurry vision, she saw Kaidan standing next to her desk with a mug in his hand.

Shepard had to blink hard to make sure she wasn't seeing things. The lieutenant was the last person she expected to see. Was he here to interrogate her some more?

She was already over-dosed with guilt. Her heart had been broken, she didn't need him to pulverize it further.

"You're supposed to be in the Med Bay," she reminded him, keeping her tone flat to suppress any emotions threatening to break through due to his presence.

"So are you," he responded calmly.

She kept her gaze on the keyboard of her terminal. "You almost died on me. You should be in the Med Bay. How's your headache?" she shouldn't even ask, but she did.

"No worse than the pain from your internal bleeding, I suppose..."

There was something in his quiet tone that chipped away her defense at a rapid speed. She wanted him to leave – no, she _needed_ him to leave before she lost control of her emotions once again. "Your job right now is to get better, Lieutenant."

"So is yours, Commander." He put down the mug in front of her.

Shepard could smell it before she looked at the content. It was a cup of hot chocolate. For a moment, Shepard could only stare at it, trying her best to stand firm against the assault of a sudden flood of emotions. He was making it extremely hard for her to keep her composure.

"Got it from the Citadel after you told me about it that night," Kaidan explained quietly. "Thought it might come in handy, you know, when you're hurt..."

Shepard swallowed hard to loosen a lump in her throat before she brought cup to her lips and took a sip. The steam and the smell of the chocolate was soothing, hot liquid smooth and sweet. She closed her eyes and let the sweetness of the chocolate take over the pain and bitterness she was feeling inside. For a few seconds, she could almost pretend she was back to her childhood, that she was just an Alliance brat pretending to be a hero to save the galaxy, that even if she failed to save the galaxy today, she could always start a new game tomorrow.

As a kid, nobody would die in her game.

As a soldier, people died on her watch.

And today, she had directly order the death of a friend. No amount of chocolate could coat that bitterness. Still, Kaidan's effort was touching.

Shepard opened her eyes once again and took another sip. She didn't need to look up to know that Kaidan's eyes had never left her.

"Thanks," she started quietly.

"Anything for you." He took a step closer and leaned against the desk to face her. "Look, I'm sorry about what I just said. I was being an idiot, I shouldn't push you."

"It's okay. You don't have to apologize. You deserve some answers." She put the mug down and stared blankly at the hot liquid. "...I'm sorry about just now. I didn't mean to blow up like that..."

"Remember I told you that you don't have to hide from me? Good or bad."

"And now you've seen the bad." A corner of her lips made an attempt to quirk up. "You should be running the other way. The exit is behind you."

"But I'm still here." Kaidan put a hand on the side of her face and gently tilted it up to make her look at him. "If you want to get rid of me, you have to try harder. Much harder."

She could only look at him, touched beyond words. Unknowingly, he had landed another major blow on her emotional floodgate, cracking it open further. Shepard took a deep breath to compose herself.

He brushed a strand of her hair off her forehead. "We're good?"

"You don't hate me?"

Kaidan shook his head in disbelief as though it was the most ridiculous question. "I could never hate you, Aerin. I... How could you even think that?"

Shepard dropped her gaze. "...I hate myself," she confessed. In front of him, she didn't have to hide.

"It's not your fault."

"Wasn't it?"

"It's not your fault," he repeated. "You did what had to be done. No one should ever be forced to make that choice. I'm sorry you had to do it."

His understanding, his empathy, it was almost too much for her to handle. Shepard kept her gaze down and gathered all her strength to maintain her composure. But it was a losing battle.

There was a slight pause before he stated quietly, "I'm... grateful that I'm still alive."

Taking another deep breath, Shepard pushed herself off from the chair and faced the man she had been avoiding. "You know I can never do anything to hurt you..."

"Yeah, I know... You'd rather throw yourself in front of a warp with no shield to save my ass."

Shepard stared at him, startled.

"I asked Liara. She told me what happened. You shouldn't do that."

"He was firing at you, I didn't have time to think. You wouldn't survive a biotic attack."

"Now you're hurt because of me..."

"It's not your fault, Kaidan. It's Saren's. He's using you to get to me."

"Ashley's death is not your fault, either. It's Saren's."

He had her trapped. She knew he was right, that Liara was right, that Chakwas was right. Shepard had to let it go, but it was easier said than done.

Kaidan touched the strangle marks on her neck gently. "I'll make Saren pay for this, and everything he has ever done to you, to Ash, and to everyone else," he vowed quietly, yet there was an undercurrent in his otherwise calm voice.

If she had made a different call, it would have been Ashley standing right here instead. And she would have lost Kaidan forever. That was the choice she had made, one she knew would haunt her for a long time to come. Shepard bit her lip and swallowed hard. Her eyes stung but there was no tears. Her chest tightened but she refused to cry. Ashley wouldn't want that from her commander.

_I'm sorry, Ash. I'm sorry._

Kaidan put both hands on her shoulders, his touch was warm and very comforting. She didn't resist when he pull her in for a hug. "We'll get back at Saren," he promised her. "Ash would like that."

Resting her head on his shoulder, Shepard closed her eyes before a tear could form. She drew a breath to steady her voice before she could whisper, "Yeah, she would..."

"To answer your question, I would have made the same decision. I don't want to lose you."

Her body trembled slightly as the last line of her defense was being stripped one word at a time, leaving her more vulnerable than ever. His arms tightened around her, holding her closer.

"When I was protecting the bomb, all I could think about was you," he told her in a voice as quiet as a whisper, "about the things I should have told you, but never did. I don't want to have anymore regrets..." Then, there was a kiss on the top of her head. "...I love you."

His words finally drove her over the edge. The emotional barrier she had been trying so hard to maintain now crumbled into dust. She could only cling onto him, as if holding onto her dear life. Against her own will, she felt something trickled down her cheek. For the first time in many years, Shepard shed a tear in front of someone else. For once, she had someone to lean on, someone to share her pain.

_'It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.'_

Through Kaidan Alenko, Aerin Shepard had found that strength.

And through him, she had finally found her solace.

* * *

A/N: The opening quote was by Fred Rogers, aka Mr. Rogers from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood." Thanks for reading!


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